jokes
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| Entry 159 of 25.07.2005, 11:47 |
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Probleme beim Update von Liebhaber 5.0 auf Ehemann 1.0
Hallo Tech Support
Kürzlich habe ich mein Betriebssystem von Liebhaber 5.0 auf Eheman 1.0 umgestellt, und seit dem läuft nichts mehr so wie vorher. Vor allem Blumen 3.5 und Geschenke 2.0 sind schwer beschädigt, die unter Liebhaber 5.0 völlig problemlos liefen. Dazu kommt, dass Ehemann 1.0 viele andere tolle Programme automatisch gelöscht hat, wie z.B. Romantik 9.5 und Aufmerksamkeit 6.5. Dafür wurde das völlig unsinnige Programm wie Bundesliga 5.0, und Kumpel 3.8 installiert. Auch Konversation 8.0 funktioniert nicht mehr, und bei Abwaschen 2.6 stuerzt gleich das gesamte System ab. Ich habe es mit Meckern 5.0 versucht, diese Probleme zu lösen, aber leider bisher erfolglos.
Was kann ich tun?
Verzweifelt
*************
Liebe Verzweifelt
Bitte mach Dir zuerst klar, das Liebhaber 5.0 ein Unterhaltungsprogramm ist, während es sich bei Ehemann 1.0 um ein Betriebssystem handelt.
Versuch es mit Command C:\ ICH DACHTE DU LIEBST MICH , und lade Dir Tränen 6.0 runter, um Schuldgefühl 3.0 zu installieren. Wenn du das richtig gemacht hast, sollte Ehemann 1.0 die Programme Geschenke 2.0 und Blumen 3.5 automatisch starten. Aber zu häufiger Gebrauch kann Ehemann 1.0 veranlassen, Grimmiges Schweigen 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 oder Bier 6.1 als default zu starten; und Bier 6.1. ist ein wirklich scheußliches Programm, denn es erzeugt Laut_Schnarchen.wav-Dateien.
Was immer du auch versuchst, installiere NIEMALS Schwiegermutter 1.0 oder Liebhaber 6.0. Diese werden von Ehemann 1.0 nicht unterstützt und bringen das gesamte System zu Absturz. Alles in allem ist Ehemann 1.0 ein durchaus brauchbares Programm, aber es hat nur einen begrenzten Arbeitsspeicher und braucht daher etwas Zeit, um neue Anwendungen zu erlernen. Aber um die allgemeine Performance zu erhöhen, versuche es doch mal mit Scharfes Essen 3.0 und Dessous 6.9.
Viel Glück
Tech Support |
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| admin |
| Entry 158 of 17.07.2005, 10:34 |
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Das Telefon im Büro klingelt...
Ein Angestellter hebt ab und fragt :
"Welcher Idiot wagt es, mich in der Mittagspause anzurufen?"
Da brüllt der Anrufer: "Wissen Sie eigentlich, mit wem Sie sprechen?
Ich bin der Generaldirektor!"
Der Angestellte erwidert : "Wissen Sie eigentlich, mit wem Sie sprechen?"
Der Generaldirektor antwortet verdutzt: "Nein."
Worauf der Angestellte sagt: "Na, dann habe ich ja nochmal Glück gehabt!"
und legt auf. |
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| admin |
| Entry 157 of 16.07.2005, 20:15 |
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The Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a woman who is eight months pregnant.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has just survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND
"Ask a Hardware Engineer"!
And then, if you still don't realize the value of time
you must be a Silicon Valley Software Engineer !!! |
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| admin |
| Entry 156 of 16.07.2005, 19:53 |
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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "BUD." |
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| admin |
| Entry 155 of 14.11.2004, 20:05 |
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Politically Correct Terms About Females
She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: GEOMETRICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not: Easy
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She will never: Sag
She will become: GRAVITATIONALLY CHALLENGED
She does not have: Big Hair
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED |
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| admin |
| Entry 154 of 14.11.2004, 19:52 |
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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come.
He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno. |
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| admin |
| Entry 153 of 09.11.2004, 07:28 |
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Hardwarekomponenten
Aus dem Innenleben Deines Computers...
Stromversorgung: He Leute! Aufwachen, der Alte will was von euch!
Prozessor: (gähn...) Was'n los?
Stromversorgung: Aufstehen... der Alte will was!
Prozessor: Schooon wieder? Na gut. Hier Prozessor. Alle mal herhören:
Startbereitschaft. Video-Chip sofort Anfangsbild ausgeben.
Video-Chip: Anfangsbild ausgegeben.
Sound-Chip: Gibt's was zu tun? Gibt's was zu tun?
Prozessor: SCHNAUZE! Puffer bitte melden, aber dalli!
Puffer: Alles ready. Er will was von der Disk haben.
Prozessor: Disk...Disk...sofort melden.
Diskette: (rattert) Diskette bereit. Sende Daten.
Puffer: Moment... bin noch nicht soweit.
Sound-Chip: Kann ich nix tun? Ich mach gern was!
Prozessor: Halt die Klappe...wir sind doch kein Amiga, daß wir hier mit Multi-Tasking rumfummeln.
Disk: Na? Was ist denn? Daten bereit.
Puffer: Jajaja... einen Augenblick!
Prozessor: Jetzt mach aber mal hin, es wird Zeit!
User-Port: Empfange Daten. Sende sie.
Puffer: Ja, wer denn noch alles... ich hab nur 8bit.
Disk: Mir reicht's. Ich schick jetzt 'nen "Device not precent error"!
Tastatur: Erhalte Eingabe. Er will ein Programm schreiben.
Prozessor: Seid doch mal ruhig. Ram. Ram bitte Empfang bestätigen.
Ram: Empfang bestätigt. Sagt ihm, daß ich schon voll bin.
Prozessor: Bist du verrückt? Nach so wenig Daten?
Sound-Chip: Ich kann ja welche nehmen.
Alle anderen: SCHNAUZE!
Sound-Chip: Dann eben nicht!
Ram: Habe wieder Speicherplatz.
User-Port: Habt ihr irgendwelche Daten für mich?
Sound-Chip: Oh ja... für mich auch!
Prozessor: Klappe... ich blick schon nicht mehr durch!
Video-Chip bitte sofort wirre Daten schicken, zwecks aufhängen.
Tastatur: Er hämmert mir -aua- auf der Restore-Taste -autsch-rum!
Prozessor: Alles klar. Gib ihm ein ready, Vic!
Video-Chip: Ok... Ready ausgegeben.
Sound-Chip: Mir ist langweilig.
Ram: Ich denk', er will programmieren, wo bleiben die Daten?
Tastatur: Schreib dir doch selbst welche, wenn du kannst.
Prozessor: Achtung, Sound-Chip! Hier kommen Daten für dich!
Sound-Chip: Jetzt mag ich nicht mehr.
Prozessor: Entweder du spielst jetzt, oder du wirst ausgewechselt.
Sound-Chip: Spiel doch selbst!
Prozessor: Jetzt sei lieb und spiel!
Sound-Chip: Mag nicht!
Ram: laát doch diesen Kindskopf... sagt mir lieber, wo ich mit den Daten noch hin soll... hier ist schon alles dicht gedrängt.
User-Port: Hier sind schon wieder ein paar Daten...
Disk: Erst komme ich... ich warte schon eine Ewigkeit!
User-Port: Halt die Klappe, du überkandidelte Nudel!
Disk: Blöder Daten-Schieber!
User-Port: Hupfdohle!
Disk: Schieber!
Prozessor: ARGH! SCHLUSS! Es reicht! Ich häng mich auf!
Stromversorgung: Ganz ruhig Leute... er hat euch schon vor zehn Minuten abgestellt.
Prozessor: An alle... jede Tätigkeit einstellen und still sein.
Sound-Chip: Soll ich jetzt nicht mehr spielen?
Alle: SCHNAUZE! |
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| admin |
| Entry 152 of 30.08.2004, 11:38 |
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Lehrerin zur Mutter:
Es ist furchtbar,Ihre Tochter macht beim Diktat immer die gleichen Fehler!
Mutter: Na wenigstens hat sie ein gutes Gedächnis. |
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| admin |
| Entry 151 of 30.08.2004, 10:43 |
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Signs in English from around the world.
Dry cleaners in Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On a poster at Fight Illiteracy: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure in Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
In another Japanese hotel room: PLEASE TO BATHE INSIDE THE TUB.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.
In a Paris hotel elevator: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
In a hotel in Athens: VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 A.M. DAILY.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In a Japanese hotel: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: LADIES MAY HAVE A FIT UPSTAIRS.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
In a Vienna hotel: In CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.
In a Zurich hotel: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: TO STOP THE DRIP, TURN COCK TO RIGHT.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
In the office of a Romanian doctor: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In an Acapulco hotel: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: ENGLISH WELL TALKING. HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN.
Outside a Paris dress shop: DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING.
One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER. |
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| admin |
| Entry 150 of 07.06.2004, 05:39 |
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Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?" |
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[jokes|vivamiracle]
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English Translation by AnnaFan
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